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newnoise1 falls for the Coen brothers
I am not an ignoramus. I know lots of stuff, such as which year the Second World War ended, who Einstein was, why you don't mix your alcohol with your medication. But, I confess, I never realized I was a Coen brother's fan.
How did they get to me? I mean I thought I was successfully avoiding the Coen brothers all these years. I'm not one for blood and guts. I'm a female writer, sensitive and easily grossed out. There's only one way you're going to get me to voluntarily watch violence and that's by handing me buckets of popcorn as a distraction.
The end of my innocence started when I watched The Big Lebowski for the third time last night. I thought this will be a good movie to blog about, it's hilarious and thought provoking.
I googled The Big Lebowski and guess what? Blogging robs us of our own ignoramias. It dawned on me, somewhat surprisingly, that at least five of my favorite movies were written and directed by none other than the Coen brothers. I felt like a traitor to myself and my kind.
Obviously I'm no movie buff. I always thought of the Coen brothers as similar to the Kray twins, the kind of men any decent girl should avoid. Coen brothers and Kray twins sounded the same to me.
Remember the foot with the sock on sticking out of the corn mill in Fargo? Remember Barton Fink swatting away at flies trying to get over his writers block in that boiling hot Hollywood hotel room? Remember Razing Arizona? Neither do I but I plan to watch it again I can remember I liked it.
Remember the Big Lebowski? The Dude, walking down the aisle in the supermarket wearing shorts, looking so Salvation Army, opening and smelling the milk as if whatever the Dude does must be cool?
I love this film. Not because every sentence contains the f-word, no, but to cast Jeff Bridges, that stylish hunk, as the sloppy Dude was some stroke of genius. I love it because the Dude is so trying to hang on to his cool while life gets so weird it makes his own extreme weirdness look normal.
Not to talk about the effect all the narcotics is having on his mind . . . like trying to remember what he was talking about and being unable to finish his sentences. Forgetting that the car window is closed and throwing his smoke out . . .that's the Dude.
It was like finding a favorite author who was writing under some other name all along.
The Coen brothers create Big characters, Marge in Fargo, cool, calm and collected. Barton Fink, completely stressed out, slapping away at flies and The Big Lebowski, the Dude with his floppy shorts and habit of exposing his hairy belly at the drop of a hat. Burn After Reading . . . it could happen . . . did you see the Russian embassy? I still don't know if it's really the Russian embassy but still . . . it does have a certain ring to it.
To find your writing voice you have to create memorable characters. I'm not sure where the Coen brothers found them. Apparently the Dude is based on a guy they knew who owned a crummy flat and a carpet that 'Tied the room together'.
Notice the odd little things about your friends and family. Your family should be the best place to start to look for weird characters. If you can't notice what's weird about your family you can't notice anything. Starting there, you have great characters, observe them carefully and find ways to express their eccentricities in your writing.
The Coen brothers grew up in Minneapolis and were born in the early fifties. I wish they first published their movies as books before they filmed them. I am going to write to them, care of their agent, to request this . . .
Soccer fever . . . tips from the clueless to the clueless
Even if you don’t know your soccer ball from your rugby ball there is still a remote chance that you to can make a rand or two by writing about upcoming soccer events.
I say remote and advise you to first read carefully through FIFA's guidelines on do's and don’ts before investing your nest egg in any brilliant ideas you may have. Be warned, most ideas will not work if you don't have a number of trade mark attorneys or advisors at your beck and call.
I'm not taking any chances. For instance, I had a wonderful idea. I was reflecting on how soccer players are fit, compact muscled machines, good looking and passionate. Why not have a competition where readers can vote to select the ten best looking players in the world? At least those players who don’t score a goal will get recognition for being gorgeous and I would have done my bit for the beautiful game. Now, after reading the do's and don'ts, I'm really not sure that this is legal.
One area that I think it will be legal to write about is what is meant by the term ‘offside’ in soccer. Only those in the very inner circle know what the expression means. You can find out and enlighten millions of men and women across the globe who would like to use the expression in a sentence but feel a bit offside when they do. Start your research soon, the most important soccer event of the decade is taking place from 11 June to 11 July 2010, in South Africa. I will, in the meantime, get more clarity on what is allowed and not allowed with regard to copyright.
What else? The most important rule in soccer is that you should try not to touch the ball with your hands. The second most important rule is to not accidentally land up in front of fanatic fans or a player who has just scored a goal. This could at best change your life forever in a hundred painful ways and at worst kill you.
I am not sure if I'm aloud to provide a link to the official site. It's not difficult to find. You can also search for their Guidelines document.
One of the host cities, Tshwane, gets a link it's my hometown:
http://www.tshwanetourism.co.za/
Gordon institute of business:
http://www.gibs.co.za/home.asp?PID=51331&ToolID=2&ItemID=63243
Department of Trade and Industry
http://www.sa2010.gov.za/en/opportunities-2010-0
Here are some reading suggestions on soccer:
I will have to get back to you on this . . . anybody got any suggestions? A true, dramatic story on soccer would be preferable, let's allow the clueless to ease into it.
Is frugal a four letter word?
Five years ago I knew a thing or two about money. One was you had to work to get it if you liked to sleep at night and two was that you need money to pay for stuff. Little did I know . . .
Everything changed when I was forced, no not at gunpoint but it felt like it at the time, to do research about a subject I found vaguely disgusting - money. I had to read a considerable number (okay hundreds) of articles about how much money you have to save to retire without hoping you die soon.
It took me about two weeks of reading to become hysterical. Overnight I became one of the most obsessed money researches in town, pouring over the business sections, my hands clasped together in panic. I freely admit I spoke to strangers in fast food franchises to help me calm down. I am embarrassed to admit how much my need to talk about money scared them off.
Eventually, I considered buying some shares as it seemed many people thought this a good idea. Like newsreaders for example. I envied them the confidence to let money-words roll off their lips like some exotic language. The thing is I knew millions of people listened to that language but I never dreamed anybody in their right mind took it seriously. Headline earnings per share . . . I repeated the words like mantras too open the windows to wealth. Headline earnings per share. This is an amazing concept. It means . . . well it's nearly like price earnings per share just different.
The broker was silent for a long time when I called and asked if R5 000 would be enough to buy some shares. Hearing his sophisticated snigger I could see myself sitting, a little old lady on my little rocking chair staring into the distance sharing my wild memories of the sweet café lattes of twenty years ago with my cat. Of course I won't be able to afford a cat. I will rock and rock waiting for students from an outreach program to bring me an extra blanket in winter. I called a financial adviser to hear more about pension plans and unit trusts and indexes and took an aspirin.
Once upon a time the word 'budget' could put me to sleep faster than the word 'staff meeting' now that word kept me awake into the early morning hours. As the Reserve Bank increased the interest rates, I kept the lights burning trying to figure out how to beat the bank. I listened to Pink Floyd singing about money being a crime and considered that despite their music being quite depressing in this instance they had a point.
In my quest the word got around that I was seriously researching the subject of money and a friend bought me the Wall Street DVD. I watched it like a documentary and at some point just after the son gets arrested, his Father advises, "Rather start doing something creative with your life than making money from what people are buying."
The man had a point I thought. On the other hand how am I supposed to do something creative if my financial advisor is convinced I have to save just about my entire salary every month to survive my retirement? I thought he was joking but the flinty look in his eyes confirmed his utter lack of humor. I stopped crying and laughing intermediately and started saving . . .more . . .
To conclude, as I read in one of the thousand blogs on frugal living - frugal, frugal, frugal . . even if it sounds like a four letter word it's still the way to get what you really want tomorrow by doing something about it today . . . as far as I can see.
Money reads that inspire
The Millionaire next Door
The Richest man in Babylon
The Power of Positive Thinking
Rich Dad, Poor Dad
The Fountainhead
If you want to read more about the money subject I can recommend Joshua Kennon's inserts at About.com.
Do internet users have time to read short fiction online? I wonder. Here's my latest attempt, Email blackmail - 1300 words.
Email blackmail
Julia pressed the send button and felt all the blood rush from her face. She had somehow managed to send the email describing what she thought of the company to the Managing Director and owner, Mr. Croft, and not her best friend, Sybil, as she intended.
Her heart beat like a cornered rabbit's. Her hands clammy, she picked up the phone and called Mr. Croft's personal assistant Mrs. Jules.
'Don't worry about it dear, I'll delete it from his inbox as soon as I see it,' Mrs. Jules laughed, 'You do realize that you owe me a big favor?' she added, conspiringly.
'Of course,' Julia tried too laugh but even to herself it sounded more like a dry bone being cracked in half. She collapsed into her chair, there was still four office hours left in which she would have too hide her mini-nervous breakdown from her co-workers.
A very long hour later, Julia noticed a mail from Mrs. Jules in her inbox. She frowned as she read it.
'Hi dear, I have DELETED your message from MR CROFT'S inbox. We must talk about the favor YOU OWE ME. Meet me after work at the Cozy Cups!!!'
Julia's skin crawled at the commanding tone. She was about to find out why her co-workers were weary of Mr. Croft's personal assistant. Could it be a practical joke? Surely blackmailers at least attempted too hide their identities? Or was she overreacting? Perhaps Mrs. Jules only wanted her to baby sit on Saturday or something harmless like that. Nevertheless, the message seemed sinister with the capital letters and exclamation marks worked into it.
Suddenly the company looked like the perfect place to work at if only Mrs. Jules didn't also work there. She glanced at the computer's digital clock. There were two hours left before she had to face Mrs. Jules.
Jake, her manager, walked into her office clutching a sheaf of papers, 'Julia, can you help with these, they're a mess, we've been trying to figure it out the entire week.' Jake's hair was a confusing ball of curls as always when confronted with a dilemma. He reminded Julia of a young Einstein.
'What is it?' she asked, knowing that she could solve the problem if it needed less than four seconds of her concentration.
'You look pale, something the matter?' he placed the documents on her desk.
'Headache,' she said, her mind working overtime as she glanced again at the clock showing she had 45 minutes to get herself to the Cozy Cups.
'Have a look at these and let me know what you think.' he said, and waited.
'Can I have a look at them tonight? I feel terrible, I have to go.' She hoped he didn't notice how her hand was shaking as she applied her lipstick.
'Can you call me when you're done tonight?' he said, surprised at her uncharacteristic lack of enthusiasm.
'Sure, I'll give you call the moment I'm done,' she placed the documents in her handbag.
'Have you got something for the head?' he called as an afterthought down the passage.
'Yes, I'll be fine.' she said over her shoulder as she tried to walk with her usual confidence on legs that wobbled.
The Cozy Cups was more or less empty. She found a table where Mrs. Jules could blackmail her in relative privacy, sat down and ordered a coffee. She removed Jakes' documents from her handbag. She wanted too seem in control of something when Mrs. Jules appeared.
The words on the front page swam in front of her eyes. Then a word or two that Jake had scribbled caught her attention. She looked closer, her heart starting to hammer in her chest.
'Hi there,' Mrs. Jules was her efficient self, her suit fit perfectly, not a hair was out of place.
Julia judged her to be around 50. She noticed that Mrs. Jules' smile did not reach her eyes which were ice blue.
'Well, let's get down to business,' Mrs. Jules wasted no time in making her demands quite clear. She needed money, urgently and regularly. She expressed her need in a husky voice in a few smooth sentences that made Julia suspect the woman was quite use to this kind of scene.
Julia started as her cell phone rang. It was Jake, still upset about the claims, 'I wanted to ask you, look specifically at the company named Cato's Catering. I don't even think Cato exists, I've been trying to call him the whole week, the company's not listed on the intranet. . .'
'Okay Jake, I'll have a look. I'll call you.' she thought quickly as she slowly returned the phone to her handbag.
'Mrs Jules,' she said, and tapped with a pencil on the documents in front of her, 'these documents are the claims you sent through to our office for payment.' she picked her words carefully as she announced, 'My Manager went through them and he's very unhappy . . . in fact his considering an audit of your entire office.' she held her breath as she waited for a reply.
Mrs. Jules turned nearly as white as the coffee cup that stood in front of her. 'I need the money you see . . . I'm desperate for money . . .' she stammered.
Julia shook her head, 'I can see from the clothes and haircut what you need the money for . . . let's make a deal," she said, trying to keep from hissing, 'you will resign on Monday and . . . these claims will disappear,' she forced her shaking hands to lie steady on her lap as she waited, not breathing.
Mrs. Jules held on to her composure, 'I still have the email,' she said, her voice firm.
'We both have documents.' Julia sipped her coffee.
'Let's forget the entire thing.' Mrs Jules, clutched at her handbag.
'No,' Julia shook her head, 'I will not be able to live with myself knowing you are still working for the company.' she said determinedly.
Mrs. Jules sat motionless, 'Very well, I will hand in my resignation,' she said and got up too leave.
'How many?' Julia blurted, not able to let go of the horror she had uncovered.
Mrs. Jules turned around, 'How many what?'
'How many staff members are you . . .collecting money from?'
'Enough.' Mrs Jules walked away her shoulders square, her head lifted proudly.
Julia ordered another coffee and called Jake. 'Are you still in the office? Could you meet me in the Cozy Cups?'
He sat down opposite her 15 minutes later.
'This morning I accidentally sent an email to Mr. Croft that I actually wanted to send to Sybil . . . ' she said.
'I've warned you so many times Julia!' he frowned.
'Yes,' she agreed and continued to tell him the rest.
When she finished he shook his head, running his hands through his hair.
'You are one lucky woman, you know that?' he said.
She nodded, her smile shaky.
'So what about the others, how do we let them know it's over?' he asked 'You promised the woman she won't be arrested for fraud.'
'We'll use the most effective form of communication, we'll spread the rumor that Mrs. Jules had to leave owing to some underhand activities.' she improvised.
'And Croft?'
'You know Croft, if it's not written down in black and white he doesn't listen to it,' she said trying too sound convincing.
'Have you learned something from all this?' he asked.
She nodded, 'Apply for a new position somewhere, but first, make sure Mrs. Jules doesn't work there already.'
Copyright © Newnoise1, 2009
Rushing the ReadThe saying goes that you shouldn't buy shares on media reports. This is easy to say but what are you suppose to do? Go out there and work for the company for a few years?
Look at the news I scanned through today:
One news report claimed that according to Ricky Ponting, the Australian cricket team captain, the pitches they were playing on are life threatening. Then, when I watched the game, the commentators couldn't get over how wonderful the pitch was. So, I probably scanned so fast and through some twist of fate still don't know where they were playing today. Okay, so I fell asleep once or twice during the game and missed out on that part.
So this left me quite confused in a day when I needed every bit of my alleged intelligence to try and understand why Julius Malema was raving on about Nedbank. It's like I've missed some important episode of Dallas - the one where JR got shot. How hard to I have to concentrate to know what's going on!!?? The entire thing sounds like you need to have at least some post graduate training to understand the issues. I think what I'll do is go to Nedbank and open an account and while I'm there perhaps they'll kindly inform me on what the hell is going on.
The other thing I picked up in the Business Report this week is that e-books will do well in South Africa but hand held reading devices are more popular in America. My conclusion in the end was that to download an e-book to your computer is probably cheaper than buying a reading device to do it with. Your guess is as good as mine.
Other confusing news is that FNB is quite optimistic about house prices starting to rise soon while Standard Bank isn't or something like that. How's that for noise?
My snarky day so far
I am 40-something with a number of responsibilities that include not jumping off a cliff on the spur of the moment. To get me to laugh out loud twice in less than 10 minutes is quite an achievement. That's why I have added Miss Snark to my links list even if the blog is only open for viewing and closed for contributions.
In her blog, Miss Snark, a book agent, gives acidic editing advice to sometimes clever, more often clueless questions from what she has named her "snarklings".
No surprise then that you will find a category headed: "Miss Snark sets her hair on fire". If you have ever edited documents where the same mistakes are repeated over and over, you will feel like an alma mater of Miss Snark and pass her the blow torch. If you are a writer you will find a treasury of information on what to do too drive editors and agents nuts.
While I am sad that Miss Snark's blog is now closed it is also a relief. At least I will not be tempted to send her a book proposal in the early morning hours after a bottle of wine or five.
Miss Snark gets the newnoise badge of the week.
Further on my snarky day, I am rereading Alice in Wonderland for my intended plan to identify newnoise in books. I am a bit stuck with progress on Alice as I've also just picked up a copy of Deliverance by James Dickey and it's quite a promising start. Also I have been reading for 4 hours straight about blogging and so forth.
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